


House and Who?

by manyetha_darcy



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who (2005), House M.D.
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-24
Updated: 2014-01-24
Packaged: 2018-01-09 20:38:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 7,090
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1150551
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/manyetha_darcy/pseuds/manyetha_darcy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Crossover between Doctor Who and House M.D<br/>Re-write of the Smith and Jones episode.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> all recognisable characters/quotes are not mine.  
> unbeta'd  
> originally posted on ff.net

It was an ordinary day when House limped into Wilson’s office.  
The sun was shining through the clouds, people were bustling about getting to work and House was grumpy, yep, perfectly normal.

“Do you realise how many people are out there waiting for a doctor to listen to them complain?” House stated as he sat in the patients chair and gestured in the vague direction of the door.  
“Well this is a hospital; I can see how you got confused with all the medical equipment and nurses. But that would be why you’re in here I imagine. Haven’t got a case?”  
Although Wilson sounded interested his body language told otherwise. Even as House came unceremoniously into his office, his eyes never left the paperwork in front of him.  
He actually sounded bored.  
“Nope, no-body dying of a weird and wonderful, painfully complicated, or otherwise hard to diagnose illness.”  
Wilson looked up at that. His eyes studying House for all of four seconds before a knowing look took over.

“So you’re hiding from Cuddy. You do know she will look for you in here.”  
“By the time she gets here I shall be gone." Wilson wasn’t paying enough attention; House didn’t like that, as if paperwork could be more interesting than him! Time for a change of subject anyway, he didn’t want to think about Cuddy and the, admittedly well earned, abuse awaiting him.  
"It’s like a never-ending line in the clinic, I know we have a revolving door but there’s no need to abuse it. No matter how many patients I treat-”  
Wilson finally looked up, putting his pen down, arms finally resting in front of him on the paperwork that had previously held his attention so. While he knew House had no actual reason to be here, he also knew that he wouldn’t leave until he was acknowledged, so cutting off the beginning of what was sure to be a long rant about past patients Wilson finally joined the conversation properly.  
“-By treat you mean insult continuously, sometimes making them fear for their life, before prescribing something that may or may not be the correct medication.”  
“Anyway… I treat one, another comes in! I’m staying away on principle.”  
Wilson chuckled lightly. Although this had happened many times before it did not cease to amuse the oncologist what the man would come up with to annoy their boss.  
“Yes well I can’t wait to hear you explain that one to Cuddy.”

Wilson went back to updating patient’s records while House sat alternating between staring at Wilson and checking his own office for traces of Cuddy. After a couple of minutes pondering and annoying Wilson, by pounding the floor with his cane without any discernible pattern, House decided Cuddy would be coming after him soon and he wasn’t about to make it easy for her.  
“Wilson! How about we go for a walk?”  
“Unlike you I actually have patients and paperwork to do, so no thank-you but feel free to limp on your own.”  
“Actually I have a patient want you to see-” At Wilson’s sceptical look house decided to continue on.  
“Well I'm not going to take on his case if it’s just cancer, how boring! I heard you’re an expert in all things cancerous, was even told you’re and oncologist! Can you believe it, just what I need?!”  
Wilson sighed and stood up, House wouldn’t leave him alone if he didn’t go, so there really was no choice.  
“One consult, that’s it, then I go back to my patients.”  
“Sure thing, grandpa! Can’t you move any faster? This man could be dying!” He shouted over his shoulder, the idea of a new case and avoiding Cuddy motivating House into action, or as much as he was willing to take, sarcasm included.

*+*+*

In the ER, patient John Smith watched the busy doctors and nurses rushing around and smiled at their ability to cope. He wasn’t really sick but for all intents and purposes let’s just say he is.

After a while of observation Mr Smith started shifting, getting restless, he was never one to stay in one spot for a prolonged period of time, especially in an uncomfortable hospital gown. Oh how he missed hi pin-stripped suit and converse, he felt practically naked! It didn’t help that he was also without his sonic screwdriver and jumped every time someone shouted ‘Doctor!’

After John had alphabetised all planets within travelling distance for humans by the year 21002, he decided maybe it was time to go for a wander. Before Mr Smith could fully put this idea in practise his curtain was drawn back, rather rudely, by a black cane with flames on it, revealing two middle-aged men.  
The one with the cane and stubble proclaimed –“The bane of my existence!” as the curtain settled from being thrown hastily to the side and passing nurses shot him annoyed looks.  
“A patient? Well you are a doctor, I thought you would have seen this coming, it is in the job description.” The younger, and nicer looking, man spoke with the air of someone who has dealt with this kind of thing many times before. “Do you even know this guy?”  
“Nope and he doesn’t know me.”

The men were standing at the end of John’s bed, the younger slightly closer, while holding this conversation, John just smiled politely.  
“Well then you finally have a chance to make a good impression.” “Bit late for that.” John muttered, the nicer man apparently heard and gave him an apologetic smile.  
“I’m Doctor James Wilson, and this lovely man is also a Doctor, a good one, if you ignore his blatant disregard for rules and other people.”

Wilson was prevented from finishing his introductions when the other Doctor moved towards the head of the patient’s bed, leaned over and shouted- “YOU ARE NOT SICK!”  
To Wilson’s surprise the patient casually turned to the man and offered his hand. “I’m John Smith, pleasure to meet you. I’ve heard a lot from the nurses, so you must be Doctor Gregory House.”  
House ignored the offered hand, choosing to study Mr Smith’s eyes more closely.  
“Really?” The question was said so casually anyone who didn’t know House better wouldn’t have picked up the sarcasm. It appeared that John did but refused to acknowledge it, opting to smile instead.

Wilson broke the silence first. “Have you even read his chart?” “Nope.” “Well of course you haven’t, you already know everything there is to know about his current state of health. Maybe we should start from the chart and work up?”  
Wilson reached for the patient chart only to drop it on the bed after being zapped by static electricity. “That’s the forth time that happened to me this morning!”  
Without missing a beat House replied- “maybe you should use more gel in your hair.”  
Wilson chose to overlook that comment and consulted the chart, while the patient looked on, bemused by his situation and the conversation going on around him.

“Patient came in with sever abdominal pain. Well it isn’t exactly the mystery illness you’re looking for. Maybe I could give him some experimental drugs? Or a cocktail of medicine that should not be mixed, would that suffice?”  
House looked up at this and smirked, then decided to plonk himself down on the free chair and waved his hand to indicate the patient, “You’re the expert, you find me the cancer.”  
Wilson took out his stethoscope and checked John’s heart. When he lowered the scope to the patient’s chest he distinctly heard one heartbeat as well as an echo. Going out on a whim Wilson moved the stethoscope to the other side of John’s chest and found a second heartbeat. Startled he look at the patient who just grinned and winked cheekily.

“I know it can be confusing when his left is your right from that position but I thought you would know which side by now.”  
Wilson flinched slightly at House’s interruption and put his stethoscope around his neck. “You’re right; besides the pain he seems perfectly healthy.”  
“Good I’ll tell Cuddy. I just solved another case, time to earn my pay check!”  
As House got up to leave, Wilson went to write on the chart but dropped it again when he was zapped for the fifth time. “Aww come on Jimmy, its just static electricity. Ben would be disappointed in you.”

For the first time since introducing himself, Mr Smith spoke up. “Benjamin Franklin! Ah my mate Ben, that was a day and a half. I got rope burns off that kite and then I got soaked-” “Interesting” “-and then I got electrocuted!”  
House had paused as soon as the patient started rambling, shooting an amused, side-long glance at his friend.  
“Maybe we should keep him, might be fun.”  
Wilson rolled his eyes. “Would make a difference from Coma guy…”


	2. Chapter 2

For the first time since introducing himself, Mr Smith spoke up. “Benjamin Franklin! Ah my mate Ben, that was a day and a half. I got rope burns off that kite and then I got soaked-” “Interesting” “And then I got electrocuted!”  
House had paused as soon as the patient started rambling, only managing to get one word in.  
“Maybe we should keep him, might be fun.”  
Wilson rolled his eyes. “Would make a difference from Coma guy…”

*+*+*

House managed to catch up to Wilson before he paid for his lunch, and now sat opposite the oncologist eating a free meal.  
“How’s the patient, Mr Smith, doing?” Wilson enquired wondering if House had seen the patient again.  
“A lot better than any of your patients. Haven’t checked on him yet.”  
Not many understood the relationship between Wilson and House, or more importantly the reason Wilson put up with House. To tell the truth not even House or Wilson really knew. But Wilson enjoyed moments like this, where they could take time away from the morose atmosphere that surrounded such jobs.  
It was fun, in a weird way, to demote each others jobs and pretend it isn’t at all serious.

“Too busy playing video games I assume.”  
From the looks of it House hadn’t heard a word Wilson said and was instead stealing his chips.  
“What did you say his name was again?”  
Wilson was slightly taken aback that House was interested in the patient’s name. He never asked patients name, and never used them if he did know it.  
“John Smith.”  
“Wow his parents must of hated him, either that or witness protection is running out of imagination. You finished?”  
Wilson let out a sigh and stood up, ready to get back to his paperwork. As they exited the elevator and approached House’s office, they both noticed something different.  
“I’ve never seen rain do that before…”  
With that the whole hospital shook and the two doctors were knocked off their feet.

As soon as the room was still again people started to panic, it looked like night had suddenly fallen.  
“Where are you going?” Wilson shouted to House’s retreating form.  
“I’m a cripple if you haven’t noticed; I need to get more pain meds.”  
House sounded angry and was completely ignoring the chaos around him.  
House limped out of the room, Wilson close behind.  
Wilson knew he didn’t need any more meds, he always had some somewhere. But if there’s anything Dr Wilson knows it’s when he sees someone coping, this seemed to be House’s coping mechanism, to ignore it and focus on other things. He’d seen the crippled man act like this a thousand times before.

*+*+*

“Give me the damn drugs! Can’t you see I'm in pain?”  
House wasn’t happy, the pharmacist in front of him was keeping him from his drugs, and was calm when House was not.  
“You know the rules Doctor House, You can’t prescribe for yourself.”  
House huffed then cast a glance over his shoulder before turning back to the pharmacist and smiling sweetly.  
“Well lucky for me then that I have a knight in a shiny white coat.” House smiled sardonically and shouted over his shoulder. “Wilson, hurry up!”  
Wilson quickened his pace, noticing the look on the pharmacists face. “Give him the Vicodin, I’ll sign for it.”  
“Thank you.”  
Wilson signed a quick scrawl that wouldn’t be recognisable but neither the pharmacist nor House cared. The pharmacist was just noticing the situation they were in and House was downing two Vicodin and pocketing the bottle.  
House turned to face the chaos, “Now is as good a time as any to check my patient.”  
“Gee, that doesn’t sound like an excuse to avoid Cuddy at all.”  
“Well we both know she will somehow blame it on me. Come on we’ll look out the window near his bed, see what’s happening outside, try and figure out what happened.”


	3. Chapter 3

“Gee, that doesn’t sound like an excuse to avoid Cuddy at all.”  
“Well we both know she will somehow blame it on me. Come on we’ll look out the window near his bed, see what’s happening outside, try and figure out what happened.”

*+*+*

‘John Smith’ knew exactly what happened and was busy trying to find where the nurses hid his suit and shoes to notice the thudding that signalled House’s arrival to the room.  
He was slightly surprised when the ground first started shaking but when the shouts and yells of everyone else in the hospital started up, and the repetition of ‘we’re on the moon’ could be heard between all the noise he realised what was going on.  
The plasma coils around the hospital and the lightening, there wasn’t something going on inside the hospital, there was something happening above it.  
He had a few guesses on what it could be but that didn’t matter, he’d find out the reason soon enough.  
Finally spotting what he wanted he set about getting out of the preposterous hospital gown.

*+*+*

Wilson was about to pull back the curtain from around Mr Smith’s bed when a familiar black cane halted his progress.  
“Window’s this way and don’t give me that look his curtain is closed, he obviously wants to be left alone.”  
Wilson stepped up beside House but all immediate retorts died as he surveyed the outside landscape.  
“We’re on the moon. That’s not possible…”  
“That would be because we are not on the moon. There was an earthquake and I suffered some head trauma, mixed with my Vicodin use equals hallucination.”  
The curtain behind them was pulled back and a pin-stipe clad man was revealed.  
“That has got to be one of the strangest arguments I’ve ever heard, and that’s saying a lot. Although I have to give you credit, it is logical.”

“Look Wilson, its Benjamin’s friend, wonder what he thinks happened.”  
Wilson decided House was having way too much fun considering the circumstances. “His name is John Smith.”  
“Actually it’s The Doctor, ‘John Smith’ is just an alias.”  
The Doctor stood next to Wilson, and smiled before looking out the window, “Beautiful isn’t it?”  
Wilson was stumped, he had no idea what was going on, so decided just to go with it. “Umm, yeah it is.”  
“Want to go outside?” The Doctor’s tone was full curiosity, excitement and promise.  
“Bit dangerous isn’t it?”  
“Yep” the man said, popping the ‘p’ and rocking on the heels of his feet, there was a gleam in his eye as if he found the prospect appealing.  
“Sorry to interrupt your unusual courting approach, but what kid of alias is ‘John Smith’? And if we really are on the moon there shouldn’t be any air.”  
“Correct! Still think it’s a hallucination?”  
“Hard to tell, doubt my imagination is this good no matter what the drug. Reckon I fried it a while back anyway. So how did we get on the moon? I mean you hear of weird stuff happening but you just think the Brits are off their nuts.”  
“It was a H2O scoop, the rain, going up, that was alien. Basically took a chunk of the earth and sucked it up here.”  
House was impressed, and annoyed, Wilson’s head was starting to hurt. “Why?”  
“Let’s find out. Come on, any balcony’s around here?”  
“Yeah my office and his, Wilson’s is closer though. Can’t help wishing Chase was here right now.”  
House took on a wistful look to which the patient could not fully comprehend. He didn’t miss Chase at all, he just seemed to say so in order to provoke his friend. Sadly his friend was too busy gaping at what was outside the window to comment.  
“Chase?! Anyway, lead the way, Allonsi!”


	4. chapter 4

“Let’s find out. Come on, any balcony’s around here?”  
“Yeah my office and his, Wilson’s is closer though. Can’t help wishing Chase was hear right now.”  
House took on a wistful look to which the patient could not fully comprehend. He didn’t miss Chase at all, he just seemed to say so in order to provoke his friend. Sadly his friend was too busy gaping at what was outside the window to comment.  
“Chase?! Anyway, lead the way, Allonsi!”

*+*+*

As they stood on the balcony, taking in the landscape House decided it was too quiet.  
“What’d you say your name was?”  
“The Doctor”  
“Ohhh, definite article, someone has a God complex.”  
Wilson chose that moment to mumble something about pots and kettles.  
“Doctor who?” “Just the Doctor” “Of medicine?”  
“Wellll… Yes I suppose.”  
“Well don’t tell them that.” House pointed his thumb over his shoulder towards the patients inside the hospital running around panicking.  
“They’ll suck the life out of you.”  
The Doctor contemplated this before shrugging, “I’ve had worse.”  
Wilson decided to stop the conversation which could probably go on forever.  
“We’re on the moon; shouldn’t we be focusing on that? Or at least something more important than names?”  
“But we have to name him!” House declared, faking shock horror at what Wilson was saying.  
The Doctor was studying House intently and spoke up when he noticed piercing blue eyes on him.  
“How’d you know I wasn’t sick?”  
“It’s a gift-” “And a curse,” grumbled Wilson.  
House was curious that the strange man actually owned up to his lie without it being forced from him.  
The only problem was that he was more curious about other things, and curiosity was never left alone by House.

“How are we breathing?”  
“Some sort of force-field I think.” The stranger picked up a pebble and threw it, giving a satisfied nod when his suspicion was confirmed.  
“That means we only have so much oxygen.” It wasn’t really a question, Wilson was just speculating, the only reason he said it allowed was to hear someone tell him he was wrong.  
“Yup.” The strange man’s tone was still light but there was something dangerous about it.  
“Oh look, visitors.”  
Three cylindrical shaped rockets/ships of some sort landed just outside the force-field. Rows upon rows of aliens in dark armour marched up to the hospital, the field letting them through with a brief flash of light around each one it submitted.  
Wilson was slightly shocked at this revelation, only managing one word.  
“Aliens.”  
“Hope they don’t want to probe me.”  
House, on the other hand, seemed to be taking it in his stride, not letting any opportunity to be heard go.  
“On that note let’s see what they’re up to.”  
The Doctor clapped his hands together and strode back into the hospital.

*+*+*

House, Wilson and the Doctor watched from above as patients, visitors and staff all scrambled away from the new-comers in panic.  
They watch as a nurse is scanned and drawn on, “Probing isn’t what it used to be…”  
Wilson at least could keep his mind focused on the gravity of the situation.  
“Who are they and what do they want with a hospital?”  
“Judoon.” The Doctor was staring intently at the people below him.  
“Galactic police. Well, police for hire. More like interplanetary thugs. They brought us to the moon because it’s neutral territory. Like I said about the H2O. They’re making a catalogue, means they are after something non-human, which is very bad news for me.”  
House was listening intently to ‘The Doctor’ as he spoke, he seemed to know so much. The man was a puzzle, so naturally House wanted to know all about him. ‘you’ve got the Rubik complex, have to solve the puzzle’ as Wilson once stated.  
What was also interesting was this guy seemed to also have this complex. His eyes were scanning the area, soaking in all available information and storing it, never stoping.  
Wilson broke through House’s thoughts when he asked a question with fear, awe and surprise in his voice.  
“You’re an alien?”  
“Still better than coma-guy!”  
The Doctor just looked at Wilson, not answering his question with words.  
“Come on, we better move.”


	5. Chapter 5

“You’re an alien?”  
“Still better than coma-guy!”  
The Doctor just looked at Wilson, not answering his question with words.  
“Come on, we better move.”

*+*+*

House was sitting on his couch, playing with his giant tennis ball, completely at ease, probably due to the Vicodin and his insistence on this all being a hallucination. He was also paying very close attention to the tall skinny bloke currently sitting at his desk.  
The Doctor was at House’s computer, scanning it with a blue light, Wilson watching.  
“Do you even use this computer for work?”  
The pin-strip clad man seemed almost amazed, definitely frustrated. His eyes only left the computer screen to check his blue light thingy and then back to the screen.  
“What are you trying to do and what is that light?”  
House wasn’t even going to pretend to be grumpy over the invasion of privacy, not like he kept it secret anyway, plus there was curiosity burning to be satisfied.   
Wilson wasn’t at all shocked by what they found on House’s computer.

“It’s a sonic screwdriver.”  
“A what?”  
“Ah come on Wilson, how hard is it? It’s a screwdriver he’s messed with so it gives of light and calls it a sonic screwdriver to fit in with the delusions ‘I’m an alien.’ I want to know what drugs he’s on and where I can get some.”  
The Doctor pushed away from the computer and started pacing the room. The sonic screwdriver was slipped into his coat pocket, much to House’s amazement there was no evidence that a cylindrical object lay there. The pacing was accompanied by his hands running through his hair, as if in an attempt to dislodge the answer from his head.

“Seems they’ve locked the computers, they are thick! Right, they are looking for something that looks human but isn’t. They don’t care for looking up records because it could be a shape-changer.”  
The Doctor stoped and looked at Wilson as the latter started to speak.  
“House doesn’t keep the paperwork up and all the interesting cases are his. Any alien in a hospital would be an interesting case, therefore House’s, therefore no real record.”  
The Time Lord turned to House, not quite sure what to make of the man. House spoke before the Doctor could voice any of a number of thoughts.  
“Doesn’t matter anyway, computer is locked like you said. I wouldn’t worry, the big thick idiotic Judoon will find it and leave.”  
“No. if they declare the hospital guilty of harbouring a fugitive they’ll sentence it to execution.”  
Silence settled on the room briefly, the weight of such a sentence smothering even House’s attempts to pretend, a few seconds later Cuddy stormed into the room.

“House! Why is your patient sucking the blood out of another patient?!”  
Cuddy went straight to House, not looking anywhere but him, anger in her voice and her posture showing that this time it was not going to be let go.  
“They were doing what?!”  
“I have another patient?!”  
At least this time House was surprised like everyone else, if not for the right reason.  
“She had a straw in his neck, drinking his blood like a vampire! And what is with the Rhinos?”  
“Told you she’d blame me,” House seemed almost bored.  
“Funny time to take a snack-” Cuddy finally realised Wilson and another man were in the room, all eyes went to the Doctor as he spoke again.  
“You’d think she’d be hiding. Unless-no. Yes! That’s it, wait a minute. Yes! Shape-changer, internal shape-changer. She wasn’t drinking blood, she was assimilating it.”  
The Doctor charged through the door, out into the hallway.  
“Why didn’t you stop her?”  
Cuddy couldn’t reply to House’s irritating question as the strange man poked his head back into the room.  
“She didn’t by any chance have leather-men with her?”  
Cuddy nodded numbly.  
“Right, well, here comes one now so… Run!”


	6. Chapter 6

“Why didn’t you stop her?”  
Cuddy couldn’t reply to House’s irritating question as the strange man poked his head back into the room.  
“She didn’t by any chance have leather-men with her?”  
Cuddy nodded numbly.  
“Right, well, here comes one now so… Run!”

*+*+*

They made it to the radiology room, House moving quick but also taking more Vicodin.  
The Doctor shoved them into the safety of the control/observation room.  
“When I say ‘now’, push the button.”  
He then ran to the machinery, shoving the sonic inside and changing some setting before swinging the machinery around to point it at the door.  
As soon as the leather-man came through he shouted “Now!” House slammed his hand on the button and the room was bathed in an eerie-flickering light, the intruder stumbled and fell. The Doctor’s skeleton became visible on each flicker.

“Wow. What was that?”  
The three doctors, still in the safety of the control room were trying to get a good look at what was left of the leather-man.  
The Doctor walked over and crouched down beside the fallen intruder and touched his arm, confirming his suspicion that he was actually made out of leather.  
“A slab. I increased the radiation by five thousand percent. Killed him dead.”  
“House, what the hell is going on?”  
“You can come out now, it’s safe, I’ve absorbed it all. All I need to do is expel it.”  
The Doctor stood straight then started jumping and hopping on the spot.  
“If I concentrate I can shake the radiation out of my body and into one spot. It’s in my left shot.”  
The alien lifted up his converse-clad left foot and waved it about, hoping like mad and kicking his left leg about. The other occupants of the room just stare, not quite sure what to say, even House has gone quiet.  
“Here we go, here we go, easy is, it is, it is, it is hot.”  
He starts frantically shaking his left foot about.  
“Out, out, out, out. Out, ah, ah, ah. Ah-hold on.”  
Takes off his left shoe and throws it in the bin.  
“You are mad! Absolutely mad!”  
Cuddy didn’t seem to have the words, House looked impressed.  
“Told you he was fun.”

Wilson was about to ask questions of ‘Mr. Smith’ when the man himself took his other shoe off and put it in the bin as well.  
“Why did you do that then? More radiation?”  
“Nah got rid of it the first time, brilliant, me. Just look daft with one shoe on.”  
After a few seconds of silence Wilson just shrugged. The man (alien?) might be crazy but he still seems to have some sort of weird logic.

“Well that’s one slab down, one to go. Should be easy to avoid they aren’t that good unless in pairs.”  
“What about you, is there back-up coming?”  
The Doctor astutely ignores the question put forth by Cuddy and instead turned around to find his sonic all burnt up.  
“My sonic screwdriver! I loved my sonic screwdriver!”  
“Bit attached are we?”  
House couldn’t help but snigger at the stranger’s distress.  
The sniggered stopped when the three medical doctors experienced one of the alien’s spectacular mood changes.  
Taking the remains of the screwdriver from the machine The Doctor handled it delicately before snapping out of it and throwing the device over his shoulder and letting it smash on the floor.  
“Guess that means we’re going to have to be more hands-on, just like old times! Pity though, having a sonic screwdriver makes it so much easy. Should have a back-up, must remember that in future.”  
“What about your back-up? You're here, isn’t there anyone with you?”  
“Uh. Humans. We’re stuck on the moon, running out of air with Judoon and a bloodsucking criminal and you’re asking personal questions. Come on.”


	7. Chapter 7

“Guess that means we’re going to have to be more hands-on, just like old times! Pity though, having a sonic screwdriver makes it so much easy. Should have a back-up, must remember that in future.”  
“What about your back-up? You're here, isn’t there anyone with you?”  
“Uh. Humans. We’re stuck on the moon, running out of air with Judoon and a bloodsucking criminal and you’re asking personal questions. Come on.”  
*+*+*  
They followed The Doctor down a hallway, House, who was right behind The Doctor, turned to Wilson and Cuddy with glee in his voice.  
"Hear that! He really is mental, doesn't just go around saying he's an alien but alludes to it as well! Nutcase!"  
They turned a corner just as House finished, to step in front of a Judoon that scanned The Doctor.  
"Non-human."  
"Holly crap!"  
"And again!" The Doctor turned and pushed the others back the way they came. The first room they got to they were pushed in and the door was locked, by hand.  
The three humans stood in silence watching the alien search his pockets, pulling out more stuff than could possibly fit in them, including a yo-yo and several items that looked like cat-nip.  
"Hold on, hold on. Aha! Found it, knew I had them somewhere."  
The Doctor marched over to the table and dropped a handful of metallic and organic bits and pieces and started to work.  
"So you're an alien? For real?"  
"Yep," the answer was slightly muffled as he had some sort of tube in his mouth.  
"But you look human." It was more of a question than a statement, Wilson couldn't decide if he wanted an answer or not.  
"So do another thousand alien species. Ever thought maybe you look like me?"  
Wilson and Cuddy had to sit down, House didn't seem at all fussed by such a find.  
"What are you doing?"  
"A while back I got bored, started making another sonic screwdriver, a better one. Luckily I kept the parts on me but I don't have enough to make any of the new settings I had planned."  
"So it doesn't just make that annoying noise."  
House's sarcasm seemed to not have any effect on the alien at all.  
"I find it soothing, sort of. And yes, it does more."  
Silence reigned until the alien suddenly jumped to his feet, pleased grin on his face and sonic screwdriver in his hand.  
"Now if I just…" He twisted the tube until it made the right buzzing noise and then pointed it at himself.  
The others stood in the room wondering what the hell he is doing.  
The sonic was clicked off and The Doctor pressed his ear against the door until he found what he was listening for. Quick as a flash he whipped open the door, shoved the screwdriver out and turned it on the Judoon for a whole two seconds before putting it back in his breast pocket and shutting the door.  
Turning to the other occupants of the room he had a huge grin on his face, looking as if he just found the cure for everything and slightly smug about it.  
"There. Should be safe now. Programmed my DNA into their technology temporarily so it won't recognise me as non-human. Brilliant!"  
"So what do we do now?"  
"We find the plasmavore. What's she doing now? She's still not safe. The Judoon could execute us all. Think, think, think. If I was a plasmavore surrounded by police, what would I do?"  
The Doctor turns on the spot, thinking hard. He spots the MRI sign, "Ahh. She's as clever as me. Almost."


	8. Chapter 8

"We find the plasmavore. What's she doing now? She's still not safe. The Judoon could execute up all. Think, think, think. If I was a plasmavore surrounded by police, what would I do?"  
The Doctor turns on the spot, thinking hard. He spots the MRI sign, "Ahh. She's as clever as me. Almost."  
*+*+*  
After walking down two corridors and a flight of stairs The Doctor turned to House, Wilson and Cuddy.  
"Which is the closest MRI room? No wait. Which is the best MRI room? And the closest?"  
"Down one more level, next to the emergency room."  
"Right."  
Then they were off again, like they had never stopped.  
They came to a halt on the first floor where they were met by the Judoon captain who noticed their lack of markings. The Doctor didn't completely stop, he wasn't moving forward but his whole body was tingling with energy and his feet were not stationary, nor were his hands. He was so close and the familiar surge of adrenaline would not allow for any stillness.  
"All persons shall be scanned."  
"Right yes well, scan away and be quick I need to get somewhere."  
"Confirmed. Four humans. You must be marked."  
"Marked? You're not coming near me Mr Ugly."  
House waved his cane menacingly until the Doctor put his hand on it.  
"Don't, just don't."  
"What's your problem E.T?"  
"You obstruct them, threaten them, do anything that stops 'justice' and they will execute you."  
The Doctor was talking through clenched teeth, the very idea making him angry. Not his idea of justice.  
House seemed to catch on and for once stopped making crude remarks besides something about useless, idiotic rhinos and how they wouldn't know he was insulting them cause their obviously too thick to realise he's talking about them so 'E.T' couldn't tell him to stop now.  
'E.T' almost, almost, rolled his eyes and turned back to the Judoon who was drawing on Cuddy.  
"Right well hurry up, places to go remember."  
The Doctor was losing his patience and jiggling slightly on the spot, eyes scanning the area ahead of him over the Judoon's shoulder as if by just sheer willpower he could be there. He was barely staying still enough to have a black cross put on the back of his hand.  
As soon as all were marked they raced onwards. Wilson quick to point out something that puzzled him.  
"But they said you were non-human before."  
"That's because I was. I programmed my DNA to their devices so I could not be recognised remember?"  
"Why'd they have to draw on us? Not very fashionable is it?"  
Although House was famous for his brilliance in medicine, he was also well known for his sarcasm, which seemed to have no effect on the Doctor what-so-ever, as if the alien had never heard of a rhetorical question before.  
"Judoon procedure: Ink you so they know you've been scanned and they don't have to go through it again."  
"Don't mind him; he just doesn't like being put into categories. But what if they scanned her?"  
The way Wilson kept up, asked questions worth answering and seemed to have some sense made the Time Lord smile.  
"That's a possibility. Don't worry I'll think something up, I'm good at that. Come on!"  
"Cripple!"  
When they find the MRI room at the end of a corridor, The Doctor stoped, went to run off, stoped again and thought.  
He made a face at House, an indecisive noise at Wilson, then turned to Cuddy.  
"Stay here. I need time. You're going to have to hold them up."  
"But this is my hospital! I want to stay with you. How am I supposed to hold them up?"  
"Could try mud wrestling."  
The Doctor ignored both House and Cuddy as he took out his sonic and proceeded to scan himself.  
"Right. I'm no longer hidden, never liked hiding anyway." And he smiled, then turned to Cuddy, very serious.  
"Just stand here, the Judoon will do the rest."  
"Wha-" Cuddy's argument was cut off by The Doctor kissing her quickly then running off. Wilson and House following when their brief shock wore off.


	9. Chapter 9

“Just stand here, the Judoon will do the rest.”  
“Wha-” Cuddy’s argument was cut off by The Doctor kissing her quickly then running off. Wilson and House following when their brief shock wore off.

*+*+*

The Judoon approached Cuddy, who was still in a bit of a daze.  
They scanned her and found non-human traces and performed a full scan.  
When they finish Cuddy ran, the whole situation getting the better of her, she headed to the MRI room. The Judoon followed.

*+*+*

House, Wilson and the Doctor entered the MRI room to find a little old lady at the controls.  
“What’s she doing? The MRI doesn’t usually make that noise.”  
“The Magnetic setting is now set to 50,000 tesla.”  
The lady sounded faintly sinister.  
“I can send out a magnetic pulse that will fry the brain-stems of every living thing within 250,000 miles. Except me, safe in this room.”  
Again Wilson was lost for words, so House spoke up.

“As much as I hate patients, whining all the time, I don’t much care for autopsies, ‘specially if I already know the reason of death.”  
“I wouldn’t worry you’re little head about it, you’ll be dead too. Everyone will be dead and I’ll have my own Judoon ships to escape with.”  
Unnoticed to everyone in the room the Doctor slipped the sonic screwdriver out of his jacket pocket and put it behind his back. Flicking through settings until he found the right one then sending out two pulses, the Doctor allowed himself a small smile.  
“But you're an alien, they’ll find you!”  
The Doctor noted how well Wilson caught himself and dealt with the situation. Maybe he could be a companion, as long as House didn’t come along.

“I’m hidden.” And she waved the cross on the back of her hand at the three Doctors.  
“Well yes that would work, in fact it did work, except just then I unlocked my DNA from the hyper-sensitive nucleic matrix so their scanners will recognise the difference in my variable number tandem repeats to that of a normal human. Plus I used a bit of controlled ventriloquism to project that towards you. Just enough to award a full scan.”  
Just as The Doctor finished his slightly confusing speech, Cuddy entered with the Judoon on her tail.  
The Doctor smiled, a small smile that didn’t manage to reach his eyes and spoke again to the shape-shifter.  
“And you see the thing about my Deoxyribonucleic acid-”  
“Non-human recognised, Confirm.”  
“- it’s not human.”  
All five Judoon scanned the lady.  
“Confirmed: plasmavore. I charge you with the crime of murdering the princess-”  
The drone of the Judoon was drowned out as the Doctor walked away, back to Wilson’s balcony.

*+*+*

“So you’re an alien again?”  
Wilson stepped out onto his balcony and stopped. The figure of the Doctor leaning against the rails, watching the city below seemed solemn.  
“Always was. Just some jiggery-pokery to fool the ‘police’.”  
The Doctor turned to Wilson, placing his lower back against the rails and looking the man over as if studying him.  
“No House?”  
There was a sly grin, revealing the amusement this statement bought.   
“He doesn’t follow me everywhere, only really when Cuddy’s on the warpath, or he needs something.”  
The Doctor acknowledged this information with a nod, knowing not to ask anymore of the mysterious medical professional.

A silence settled, one trying to find the words, the other waiting for the inevitable. It finally came as House and Cuddy approached. Wilson was oblivious to their visitors as he had his back to the door.  
“What alien are you?”  
“Time Lord.”  
“Bit pompous, but whatever blows your skirt up. I was wondering where you two had got to.”  
“Doctor House, lovely of you to join us, and you Cuddy.”  
Everyone knew the first part was a lie, but the smile he gave Cuddy was genuine.

“What were you and Jimmy talking about? I hope it wasn’t me, I would hate for anyone to get too attached.”  
“I was just asking Wilson if he would like to come with me.”  
“Where?”  
“Everywhere. I have a ship, can take me anywhere in time and space. Thought you might like a trip, seeing how well you handled yourself in there. Admittedly you were shocked half the time but you did ask the right questions and actually did what I said, that was a first. Better than that one making cracks at everything.”  
House laughed, really laughed, causing everyone’s attention to shift to him.

The Doctor had quite enough of House. “It’s fine if you don’t believe me, not you I'm asking.”  
“It’s not that Mr alien. Rather how you referred to me. We aren’t that different.”  
The Doctor looked incredulous but both Cuddy and Wilson seemed to consider it.  
“We’re both the smartest in the room.”  
“And you both always solve the puzzle.” Wilson contributed, before House stole the show again.  
“We have almost perfect timing, always in trouble, can’t stand authority, slight mood swings, great sense of humour-”  
Cuddy spoke, softly, like she didn’t want to say it at all.  
“And you’re both miserable.”

The Doctor was taken aback.  
The silence that followed was eventually broken by the Doctor, “Right. I can’t stay around here forever, got places to be, people to save. It was nice meeting you all.”  
He was avoiding eye contact with everyone and it was obvious that Cuddy’s remark had hit a little too close to home.  
The Doctor knew when House had entered the room that Wilson would not come with him, the man was too good and was needed here by his patients and friends, and he would not deprive the people of such a man.  
No one said anything as the Doctor left. Wilson, House and Cuddy stood on the balcony waiting for him to appear on the street below and then watching him walk across the road and disappear inside a blue police box.  
As the three medical doctors turned to go inside they heard a strange sound rather like that of a struggling engine as it faded in and out. When they turned back and looked over the railing however, they found the only difference to be the lack of a blue box on the street corner…


End file.
